An expert explained how to set boundaries with your mother-in-law – Wired PR Lifestyle Story

Before I dive into a piece about having a healthy relationship with your mother-in-law, let me say that I am grateful to have a great relationship with my MIL from my hand, saying that this place didn’t happen overnight. It’s always been sweet and responsible in our relationship, but it’s not always easy to navigate. By studying some of the issues that needed to work with my therapist, I learned to communicate with him in a much more effective way. With these tips and an open mind, we worked on a way to respect and understand each other. And now it’s one of my closest trusts! So today, along with my story and tips Elizza LeJeune, LMSW licensed clinical social workerI share ideas for understanding someone else’s world map and communicating your boundaries.

“For starters, I always think of healthy boundaries as a safe home,” says Elizza. “A house with locks on its doors that open and close, an observatory to see if someone is visiting, or a bell to see if it’s a stranger. The key to these things is to be able to decide when you want to let someone in. Limits are a way to check your feeling and how safe you are. They allow you to establish the distance between you and others. Think of them as sechoose the tone of what you will accept in your relationship with someone “.

Navigating with my mother in my past

As my mother got into and out of photography for several years of my life, I grew up with a very hand-picked perspective and approach to my mother. I was emancipated at the age of 17 (with my mother’s permission) to get my first apartment, and that was how much my mother was in my life situations from that moment on. When we reconnected, I became more and more young, which made the relationship between us a friend or support person in my life more than usual. mother-daughter role. Going forward 13 years later, until I met my husband. His mother lived in a fully decorated apartment. I quickly realized that the role my MIL played in my husband’s life was very different from the role my mother played in me.

As my relationship with my husband grew, I realized that I was now involved in the areas of her life that my mother managed. Since I was young and somewhat immersed, I didn’t think twice about her clothes, home decor, or any other approach that seemed appropriate to me as a new woman in her life. I mean, we love each other and we plan to build a life together, why shouldn’t I? I never thought about how she felt about all the changes I was making to her mother. Until me, her mother was the first woman in her life. Slowly but surely without even knowing I was stepping on my MIL fingers.

“When you love someone, you often think about how your actions and opportunities will affect them. Putting boundaries with your loved one needs to be handled with care.” says Elizza LeJeun. “Of course, you wouldn’t allow your 3-year-old child to go outside because of the dangers that arise. This is a limitation that protects them safely and emotionally from pain.”

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Of course, time went on and we decided to get married, we chose escape to Italy for our wedding. My family was happy because we are very non-traditional and so it wasn’t a big deal to say we weren’t going to have a big traditional wedding. Telling my MIL, on the other hand, was much harder. My husband and I knew we were going to push back a few pushes, but we didn’t expect a much bigger reaction. Needless to say, my mother-in-law was very upset. The initial response was defense and anger. Why did he give such great feelings about our day? Didn’t he want to be happy? When I came out as my therapist, I found some life lessons to understand someone else’s world map and replaced it with my own curiosity and empathy.

After discussing my feelings with my husband and therapist, as I dreamed of my wedding day, I realized that my MIL dreamed of my son’s wedding day. And in his dream, it was so there, she danced the mother-son and took pictures with her son. The son’s wedding map was very different from the reality we were presenting and the one he had dreamed of all his life. I knew right away how it could be when you don’t exactly align what you imagined in the face of the blow of your dream.

I learned with some of my therapist’s advice that I could do this in a much more effective way to navigate and communicate with my mother-in-law. I let him make sure he was listening, empathizing with his feelings sharing my limitations and it was necessary to understand where the desires came from. I’ve found that the best way to build healthy relationships is to take ownership of someone else’s world map and communicate your boundaries!

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Here are some easy-to-use tools for setting Elizza LeJeune’s boundaries:

1. What is the behavior Do I find it harmful or unbearable?
2. Perform a temperature control. How do I feel emotionally when this behavior is done? Do you feel resentment that could affect your delivery?
3. Practice makes perfect. Write down clearly what your request or needs are, and then ask a friend to act on communicating. A good friend will get into the role play and back off. This will break the ice and saying no or defending yourself won’t be so scary when it’s time to do it!
4. Release result. We often fear that setting boundaries will bring emotions to another person. This is called prediction and is not encouraged in a good way. Take one deep breathing and remember that you are not responsible for the happiness of anyone else above you. Saying no or setting a limit doesn’t make you a bad daughter!