When to respond on social media — and when not

I have the principle I follow because of social media conflicts: don’t add your air to someone else’s fire.

This rule has saved my ass several times. For example, in a snafu on social media, a writer responded to a message about an article I wrote that he wanted to discuss our opposing views on a Facebook forum made up of thousands of people. The words and tones of his comment showed that he was not interested in a real conversation, so I didn’t respond. If he had agreed to the request, or had made a vile comment like “Write your damn articles,” I would have continued his playbook to get his attention and weaken me and my work. Did I have to do anything else? I thought I would consult with the experts.

“You did the right thing without giving an answer,” says educational psychologist Michele Borba and its author Thrivers. “The answer is not always a great answer, and it is often the strongest answer. People want attention and you don’t give it to them. He wanted to use you clearly by kidnapping your platform. If you were embarrassed, you would lose credibility and be in a position to defend yourself. “

Sameer Hinduja, code director Cyberbullying Research Center he agrees, saying, “When we respond to someone who tries to insult us, we show that we care about their opinion. And then we gave them the power to invalidate us. “

Not responding on social media may be the best way to show strength, rather than giving your voice and energy to noise. In fact research published in the journal Psychological Science shows that turning on the keyboard is not as effective as talking to someone alone or sharing pictures. Of course, this works best if you have a real relationship or care about what people think of you. “If you’re someone who isn’t really in your life, what you did was fine,” says Ulash Dunlap, a San Francisco therapist. “If the relationship is important, I recommend that you send a message to that person and request a phone call to prevent mis-communication.”

Dunlap recommends taking five minutes and assessing the situation before responding, and avoiding knee reactions on social media so people don’t see you pressing your buttons. “If someone is devaluing or harassing you for your beliefs, or if you want to correct yourself and become wrong, or in search of fame Through you, end the conversation without giving an answer or even saying “Thank you for your opinion” on how corporations respond when they receive criticism ”.

So how do you avoid feelings of power when these situations arise? “Remember, if you don’t know them well, other people in the extreme don’t understand you or have lived experiences. They don’t have a back story, ”Dunlap says. He could also be a person who loves to win. “You can see the person’s Facebook or Twitter feed, and you’ll see it. If so, find a solution strategy and end the conversation. “

“Ask yourself, has it been helpful or harmful?” says Borbak. If it helps, you can figure out how to respond, but if it hurts, you can ignore it. ”But what if a relationship is important to you and you decide to communicate with the person? What’s the best way to move forward?

“It’s all about how you say it,” Borba suggests. “Shame is not a game. What you look at is respectful discourse. There is more than one way to see things, and all sides matter. You don’t have to agree, as long as you don’t respect and deny or blame the person. You just say, “That’s a way of thinking.”