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This spring, Anton and Toby have been arguing more than usual, and I’m getting a little naughty. When I mentioned it on Instagram, many, many parents agreed that their children were colliding and didn’t know how to handle it. So! I turned to this one Becky Kennedy, an amazing clinical psychologist and mother of three children, and here are some amazing tips …
“Being a sibling is very, very hard,” was the first thing Dr. Becky told me over the phone. And I nodded, remembering the ups and downs I experienced when I grew up in a family with three children. “It’s completely normal to discuss siblings,” he assured.
Then I hoped that Dr. Becky would be launched in millions of ways to get the siblings up the wall, but he actually stepped back and looked at the bigger picture. He explained that everything goes to “attachment safety,” which is basically how safe and secure the child feels within the family. How do I feel? Do I have a place in this family? Do I feel valued for who I am? He continued: “What siblings feel about their children is parental competition for security – parental love and bonding.” As soon as the baby feels insecure in this way, his siblings become a threat. Conversely, because children feel safe and secure in this way, the less a child looks at their sibling as a competitor and the more they look at their sibling as a playmate. ”
Bottom line: When sibling competition is high, it’s really a sign that the baby isn’t feeling safe or secure in their family position, especially with their parents. The more we do to make each child valued and appreciated, the more quality we provide with the child individually, the better the sibling relationship will be.
(A side note, says Dr. Becky: “All of this is not the parents’ fault. Seeing it in that light gives us a lot of power.” Ah, it’s amazing because I can influence the relationship between siblings, and I don’t even have to have anything between them.. ”)
After talking to Dr. Becky on the phone, I wanted to know more so I could see her online workshop on sibling dynamics. (He teaches 60 minutes, followed by 15-minute questions and answers.) And here’s what made me jump.
“The only thing kids need to get along with siblings is to do it alone with their parents“Dr. Becky said.” Ten minutes with her parents does more than anything else for the peace of the family. “
He explained the rules:
1) Just you and your kids. No partner, no other kids, no screen, no distractions.
2) Enter your child’s world. Don’t direct the play. It’s your child’s choice.
3) Don’t ask the child questions during those 10 minutes. (The question is the position of power – as well as ‘What kind of tower are you building?’) Simply REFLECT (describe what they are doing) and MIRROR (for example, you can build a tower next door). Pay full attention.
Last weekend, I took Dr. Becky’s advice and spent some time with Toby and Anton. And Alex did the same. He seems to be already helping. Last night, he went to bed so calm – The boys were chatting and laughing, not shouting or arguing at all. I almost cried.
What do you think? How are your children coping these days? Have you suddenly tried them? If you want to know more, Dr. Becky offers it to you workshops and has new podcast. You can also find it Instagram. (This is not a protected message, I am very grateful for his instructions!)
PS Tips for competing with five siblings for younger children, and He first met Toby Anton.
(Photo by Courtney Rust / Stocksy.)
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