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Dear OOO,
I have a colleague who always asks me for advice on navigating work situations. Sometimes it’s about working with clients, other times it’s difficult office relationships, other times more general career things. He may be concerned with these things, and requests for advice often require lengthy discussions. I consider this colleague my friend, and I am happy to help, but he never takes the advice he gives me! He will then return to complain about the result. And it requires even more advice. I don’t even know why he asks, because he’ll never hear it. It’s not my advice that I always think is correct — I don’t know what I do half the time, let alone what anyone else should do — but it’s annoying to see it ignored every time. Do I have to tell someone else to go ask?
–Diane
Diane, I was with you until you said that your advice is not always appropriate. It yes it’s really annoying when people get advice on how to trust you but ignore the substance in the usual way. For me, it’s especially annoying because my advice is perfect in all situations, and so anyone who ignores my advice is hurting themselves by clearly choosing the wrong path.
I’m kidding (somehow …), but I think your shamelessness speaks volumes. If you are projecting a lack of confidence in your advice when talking to your coworker, he or she will not take your thoughts particularly seriously. Are you saying “I don’t know what I do half the time, let alone what anyone else should do”? Maybe you’re belittling yourself, so he questions what you’re saying You are questioning what you are saying.
Of course, I do not recommend false courage to give advice. It’s a solemn responsibility that is carefully assigned to trusted friends and random voices on the Internet. You shouldn’t act like you’re 100% sure of the answer to a sensitive topic when you don’t really feel 100 percent safe.
So what to do? If you see a clear answer to his dilemma, say it clearly and persuasively. If you are on the fence, talk through your thought process. It might even bring up questions you feel unable to answer, and you can tell that too! Recommending consultation with other people, as such, is an important tool in advising tools, and I encourage you to use it. You say this colleague is a friend, so you should be grateful for the honesty in your thoughts to find out how confident you are.
But there may be an even more fundamental disconnect here. Sometimes a colleague or friend comes to you with a plea What should I do? You really want the answer to that question. But more often, in my experience, what they want is to talk to someone they trust through options. It seems like your conversations are about reaching a concrete answer, but I think it’s possible for your colleagues to think of you as more of a guru than a sound board.
When you’re giving advice in a conversation instead of being in an internet column, your best bet is to ask a lot of questions. Start with the hallmark of successful romantic collaborations: “Are you looking for a place to work or do you want advice?” Listen carefully to the answer; if he wants to check that another colleague is being stupid, he will not be welcome with information on how to deal with it.
Even if he tells you explicitly that he wants advice, that doesn’t necessarily mean that your mission is to play with a numbered Ikea human instruction booklet. All of us say we want someone else to fix our problems, but we all realize that this really isn’t feasible. You may not be the only person asking for advice, but you are not the most important voice on the subject, however. So add to your questions that will help you think: What are you most excited about? What are you afraid of that might happen? What is the best and worst case? What happened the last time you tried a similar approach? At the end of the conversation, he will surely clarify his thinking without having to give real guidelines for the dilemmas he faces.
If he doesn’t, feel free to give your recommendations, but do so without involving your ego too much. Choosing a different path does not mean that you do not appreciate your thinking; if he did not continue to return to you. If all else fails, tell them you’d love to help, but you know a random internet voice who is always looking for more strangers. troubleshooting.
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