New years, instead of making resolutionsI have written an intention for different areas of my life. Whatever the purpose, it serves to make me aware of my work, my family, my health, and so on. How this year next to the “relationship” category, I wrote the words, “Ask better questions and practice deeper listening.” Knowing how to ask better questions is not intuitive for everyone!
I knew that really showing up to the people I love had to be a place where our conversations were valued and listened to.
My struggle wasn’t what they were supposed to say I wasn’t interested in, really either. But sometimes my monkey’s mind moved so fast from one thought to another that I would get attention and justice miss a critical part of what they were saying. Or even if I heard it on the cover, I didn’t hear enough to understand the deep meaning behind their words.
As I wrote earlier becomes more bizarre, I went back to my favorite high school class. AP Literature was with Mr. Stover — he was one of the toughest teachers in the school. I loved this class, especially since we learned to use the Socratic method, which I read at the beginning, which made it impossible for me to decode poems and novels. (Trash By the hand of TS Eliot, anyone?) We would go around our desks and spend the whole hour asking and answering questions that would help us think more critically and come up with new ideas.
The power of questions has stayed with me, but it takes a high level of knowledge to know what a conversation will be worth emotional intelligence“And a lot of practice.” So let’s go.
5 to 1
First, listen.
When we’re telling a story we’ve all been in that situation, and it makes the question half-random to show that the other person isn’t half-listening. Or, we were the authors, because we were talking because our minds were far away. Either way, it doesn’t feel right.
Really training tune in and listen while the other is speaking, curiosity sets the stage for naturally asking good questions that come from a genuine place.
According to Harvard Business Review, most of us don’t ask enough questions. The study cites “among the most common complaints people make after an interview, such as an interview, a first date or a work meeting,” I wish I had asked more questions “and” I can’t believe they didn’t ask me questions. “
Just asking questions opens the way to learning all sorts of unexpected things about another person; there is no sure way to increase the level of relationships other than being a person who is interested in others. Lesson? While specific ways of asking your questions should work, you’ll already be one step ahead of them by asking for more of them.
I love this example from the comments: “Tell me how you came to live in Austin. What are your favorite things to do here?”
Other great questions include:
Are there any plans or new habits that you started during the pandemic?
What has been the best vacation you’ve ever taken and why?
If you could start your entire career from scratch, what would you do instead?
What are your main karaoke songs and why?
Who was your first famous character? Do you think they have influenced the type of people who still attract you?
What was the first book you really loved? Is it still one of your favorites?
5 to 3
Ask follow-up questions.
This practice has changed with the game in my relationship with Henry (small children have a great radar for what you’re actually listening to.) “What causes you to say that?” or “How did that make you feel?” he senses my real commitment, and that’s what I really am care about what he is sharing.
In other words, it validates that you are listening to the other person, which shows at a deeper level how much you value them. In Henry’s case, when I want to ask these kinds of questions, it’s less melting or frustrating because I understand his point of view better and can answer that accordingly.
The next time you are talking to someone and they express something that is vague, instead of accepting it and moving on, try asking, “What do you mean by that?” I guarantee that doing ONE thing will improve your conversations immediately.
Consider the following frequently asked questions to spark a more meaningful conversation:
How has your day gone? What was the best part?
How is your mother? How have your days been lately?
Can you help me understand that a little better?
What motivated you to do / say that?
How does this play out in your daily life?
Do you think you would ever change your mind about it?
5 to 4
Ask open-ended questions.
This is what I really saw in doing our interviews Tastes and A call to wake up talent over the years. When I ask closed-ended questions that can be answered “Yes” or “No,” I feel that the answers cause me to yawn, and I feel like I haven’t learned anything meaningful about the other person.
But when I choose one open question which has to be worked out, the answers often surprise me and leave me (happy) to want more (see “follow-up questions” above). An open-ended question does not make assumptions, does not reveal the parties, or puts another person in the spotlight. box. He informs us that we will take the time to get the full answer, and invites other people to share it completely in no hurry.
Try it:
What’s your favorite thing to do since we last spoke?
What are your thoughts …?
What was your favorite encounter?
How did you feel with the last great meal? What made it so special?
5 out of 5
Let go of the urge to interrupt.
Okay, this is especially aimed at me. Actually, no want to interrupt, I don’t really do, but I often rejoice or want to share how much I “get” what I jump “before I finish talking”.
The end result (apart from being annoying) is that they feel in a hurry or take it in the other direction they were directing the conversation. Show a little respect (Camille!) I’m working to be comfortable for a moment of silence and let my ego take a back seat in conversationsI want to understand more than to understand“.
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If you want to prove how powerful asking good questions can be, read on This article on “Modern Love” affirms: mutual weakness fosters closeness. To cite the authors of the study, “a key model for developing a close relationship among peers is sustained, augmented, and reciprocal personal outreach.” I plan to turn the 36 questions they used in the experiment into a turn in future conversations.
What’s your favorite question to ask someone you’re trying to get to know better?
This post was originally posted on July 25, 2019, and has been updated ever since.
